Come Home (2010).

 

i completely lost my grip last night;
opted for insanity and ignorance and in turn, lost you.

i completely lost myself last night;
left my soul in someone’s cab and tore my shoes.

i completely overreacted last night;
worried myself into a pit of melancholy and left you disappointed.

i didnt make it home last night.
i left my heart in your back pocket and walked away wearing that fake smile ive come close to perfecting.
and when i woke, all i had to keep me company was your scent that always lingers too long.

stability (2010).

 

they fall down around me now, my words.
like shards of glass falling through the sky from a building about to collapse,
my words fall down around me.
i dont know what to think or feel.
i have lost my solid ground; i search for stability.
amidst the riot i spot a familiar face.
a somewhat distant reminder of certainty.
im not sure who it is, so i choose not to follow.

my head is in knots, my stomach heavy with burden.
i need to go for a walk.

i fear losing him.
a fear larger than fire.

the man (2010).

 

i remember how my father used to sing me to sleep.
what started as a nightly ritual shared by man and child quickly mutated into…
“sons of God, hear His holy word.”
oh, shut up.

there was no defining moment, no specific moment when his songs got sour. it was a gradual fall, from the first discovered lie, to the most recent bottle of vodka exchanged for water.

there is never any contact, conversation is intentionally limited and so, the bond is shattered.

from sitting on his knee, a child perched on her protector, to snuggling up to his back when it was too cold to sleep alone.
where did my childhood go?

i remember how my father used to sing me to sleep.

babin (2010).

 

he fell victim to the turmoil of his youth.
his ageless decline meant only one thing : a broken beauty.
trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea, he is my hero.

i imagine my favourite picture of him and me;
no one was on par.

years on and i find myself missing his face,
his sincere arms that no one but i could grasp.

to save us all from ourselves, he sacrificed his all. he gave himself to the idea of a life of medication, so we could all see a brighter tomorrow.



he is the faceless angel in my dreams, 
the light at the end of every looming tunnel.

…to go (2010).

 

for years, i watched him.
i watched him leap and fall,
effortlessly,
gracefully.
he was a force to be reckoned with.

his demise came suddenly,
an acute dip into
the vast seas of
all his future misfortunes.

ive known him all his life,
but ive never really known him at all.

untitled (2010).

today i sat and watched as the rains approached.
like an impending end, i waited for the shower.
to see the rain, as a whole, separate and thrown in different directions, as tiny little insignificant pieces of a greater being.
the breeze;
on my face, the rain against her window.

i thought of my grandpa today, how he always warned of the rain.
how i love the rain more than most things.
i dont think ive done my gramps proud.

so i sit while she rests,
and i watch the rain.

ioyb (2010).

 

i have fallen in love with time and space,
with the lines that lead me home to you.
i have fallen in step with rights and wrongs,
with your need to stay true.
because there’s something about the way you look at me, 
with a sort of hope in your eyes.
there’s a ripple in the calm of my breath,
when you hold me sometimes.
so when the waves roll over us
and we’re steered off track,
fear not, love;
im on your back.

for tan (2009).

 

instead of saying “sleep well”, i shouldve just said “you lied”.

it broke me when i looked over and found nothing but space.
i still imagine the life we planned, the dreams we sought after.
there were times i fought to keep my eyes shut, for opening them meant facing the reality of the walls i had to rebuild.
there was no way around it, you created a monster in me.
closed up to every source of potential happiness, i found myself surrounded by all you left to linger. there was nothing solid to hold on to, and i lost my footing time and time again.
and still, all you did was walk deeper into the part of my past i had to let go of.

sometimes i look around me and rediscover little pieces of you i have yet to place. i spent such a long time organising us into subcategories, just so it all made a little more sense. but there never seemed to be a remedy for the illness you caused, there was always only just a little less than a painkiller for the heart you left spread across the floor you walked out on.

i tried to retreat, i told myself to find better direction.
but with you, left my compass into a better tomorrow. and now, i am left with scars i cant hide, tears i cant dry and an empty page.

so ill take my pride, the bit of it you forgot to steal, and rewrite my legend. ill make a new tomorrow, ill make my own future.
you had me then, so you can have my past.
but tomorrow, my tomorrow, is exactly that. mine. 
and though you remain the equivalent of a battle scar, i think its time for me to seek out a different ending.
one that has me leaving with a smile on my face, instead of an axe in my back.

untitled (2008).

 

i want to live like trees.
to sway and move in the summer breeze.
i want to be like the birds.
without every human’s torment and hurt.
i want to love like a mother, a child.
unconditional, free from restriction and denial.
i want to hurt like you.

for my friends (2009).

 

i heard a loud thud.
i wasnt sure where it began, i couldnt find its ending.
i just knew it was there.

i tried to follow it.

i was lead into a familiar forest, where the trees stood tall around me, their leaves held pictures of times gone by, their trunks scattered with memories in captions.

they told stories to me, they spoke with friendly voices.
the trees and me.

i took refuge under the foliage, holding tight to their roots,
afraid of being washed away with the wind.

“here we go now, take a breath, take a step.”

i wandered in the endless land, floating through the continuum like all the world was mine.
i knew these trees, i no longer felt afraid.

theyre the ones that shelter me in unforgiving storms,
their vines wiping away the tears of fright i shed.
theyre the ones that hold me safe in the grasp of their branches.
theyre the ones that carry me above the mud, 
when im sinking too fast to save myself.
theyre the ones that let me save them.

the trees and me.
my trees and me.

bruises (2010).

 

open up, open up.
an unfamiliar world with walls a darker shade of grey.
she sits herself up and feels the pang of regret pull on her heart.

“i dove for him, i tried to fly for him.”
and still, with all her attempts, she was left with only bruises.
bruises, stinging, unforgiving.

“i wrote for him, i sang my songs for him.”
and yet, to the end, she was left with only bruises.

brotherB (2009).

 

we were brother and sister,
but i never got a goodbye.
you left and with you,
took the ground from beneath my feet.
there was a flurry of frustration and anguish
as i tried to comprehend intentions.
at a complete loss and the world spun madly on.
its been years and years on, 
i will miss you still.
fortune dealt me destitution,
but you, a better life.
look out for me, look after me.

hold on with me (2009).

 

i will never hold the flame she holds, and still i try.
with eyes closed and open again, i strive to make a difference that makes the difference.
but you ask for nothing, while i hope to give it all.
and this brings about an end to my heart, this brings about my downfall.

and yet, i love you through the tears, 
i love you through the pain,
i love you straight through the sky.

i cant really explain it, i just hope you feel it.
there’s no one else id rather have to call my own.

swept (2009).

 

i am engulfed by the cold,
swallowed slowly by the ground.
my veins threaten to burst under my skin
and fashionably, i sink into my brain.
i am overdue,
i am perpetual.
a mess of lines, indistinguishable.
i disassemble on my own,
and leave the pieces at your feet.

familiar (2009).

 

i am my own mix of fear and doubt.
a special breed of insanity.

it creeps up from the inside, 
smothering me and catching me unawares.
i am moulded to the shape of my body, but my soul takes on a different form.

it is unfamiliar, 
but i find comfort in it.

still, i am lost in the caves of my mind.
i find solace in serenity and uncertainty in the tainted thoughts spewing out of my ears.

blood shot red, tangled and alone, i lose myself nightly;
and find everything again in the arms of a greater power.

it is unfamiliar,
but i find comfort in it.

love (2009).

 

she sat by me, her head hung low.
i looked down at my feet trying to think of something smart to say; something funny, something comforting, something sufficient.
i came up with nothing.
all i could do was offer my hands for her to hold.
she looked up at me and spoke of the girl she’d found three years ago, the girl of her dreams.
she couldnt understand the reason they were arguing so often now. she felt like her entire world was crashing down around her and as i put a supporting arm around her shivering body, she collapsed into my lap.
i held her face up to mine and tried the best i could :

“love is meant to hurt.
if it doesnt, youre not working hard enough for it.
love is meant to make you feel like youre freefalling without a parachute.
if it doesnt, youre not experiencing anything life has to offer.

love is in the girl i fell in love with three years ago, the one who’s crying in my lap. it is the reason i sit here, fighting off the fact that this may all end in the next thirty seconds.
love is letting you go, if it means sacrificing my own happiness for yours.
it is the purpose, the drive and ultimately, the destination, which is you.
arguing is taking love in all its glory and shutting it down for awhile. because we know that once it is over, we will rebuild it bigger than anything this world has ever seen.

the soreness of it all, the victory after the downfall.
the reason we fight for everything we believe in, that little spark that’s set off when you see a rainbow, the feeling of waking up next to you, the touch of your skin on mine, the sound of your laughter; the inspiration, the motivation, the will to keep going.

love for me, is you.”

sitting up, she reached over to wipe the tear of passion off my face.
and with a renewed faith in everything we have, we begin again, at the beginning, at the end.
for love has no boundaries and it knows no limits, space or time.