brushed in the light of day,
i see you standing with
your head in your hands.
afraid of what comes next,
afraid of making plans.
i reach out to touch you,
but youre a million miles away.
the sun now on your back,
as i beg you to stay.
its better here where the flowers are,
where the wind dances through the trees.
but youre not one for nature,
and youve never enjoyed the breeze.
so i go with you instead,
but i quickly tire from the strain.
there isnt enough room here
for both your baggage and mine on this train.
but i follow you anyway,
because you always end up
getting it right.
i follow you anyway,
knowing one day soon,
we’ll both be
back in the light.
my love,
i wait and wait, a bitter taste in my mouth,
until the sweetness of you fills me; and then you leave again.
i choke on the aftertaste of separation with such ferocity, my body doesnt move until you return.
and then you do. my love, my joy.
you sweep me up in arms of clouds, and take me away to a place kept quiet just for us.
a place without secrets, where we lie with bodies and souls open, with hearts and hands entwined until, alas, you leave again.
why are you always leaving, my sweet love?
is not my heart a haven to yours?
yesterday i was flying.
i was floating, i was soaring, i was a kite, lifted away in the wind.
yesterday i was invincible.
i was immune to hurt, i was untouchable, i was a baby, safe in the arms of her mother.
and then the rains came.
the wind became too strong and i broke loose. i stretched my arms as much as i could but you reeled my rope back in, didnt you? i was reaching out to something that was no longer there.
so i reached for my mother instead, but she could no longer carry me. i had become a giant, 3000 metres tall. i begged my mother to shelter me as she once did but in my efforts to call out to her, i burst her eardrums and crushed her beneath my feet.
no spring in my step, no hand in my hand.
the whole of me listless, wilting, meaningless.
but yesterday, yesterday i was flying.
and you were there too.
looking out beyond the mountains
i see you standing on the edge of the world.
you are tiny, almost invisible,
and still you are the entire universe.
i tried to hold you back from jumping,
i tried to tie a rope from you to
my feet firmly rooted to the ground,
but you slipped every so often and
i worried that the rope would snap
and you would fall off the face of the earth.
so i fastened you to a tree instead,
and walked away.
temporarily of course, and
every now and then i check the knot
and tie it a little tighter,
waiting for the day you ask me to
haul you back up over the edge.
someone once said that
we outgrow the people who
have stopped growing.
in my opinion, though,
if you give up on the people
you love;
if you choose to outgrow them
when they need you to stay grounded,
then you mustn’t have loved
them at all.
that just isnt me.
and it certainly isnt us.
any other day would have been a walk in the park, a sail on the open sea, a breeze in my hair.
but not today.
today was a hurricane of self-loathing and apathy. a river rich with little fish nibbling at my flesh, right down to the bone.
all i longed for were your arms around me.
or anyone's arms, for that matter.
but what i got was a sharp tongue lunging at my chest, at my neck, severing arteries, stopping my heart before it beat its last hopeful beat.
my favourite writer once said, "why is the measure of love loss?"
i swear on all the stars in the galaxy, she wrote that in anticipation of how i would feel today. and still, i do not know the answer to her question.
why do we only know what we have once we've lost it? why are the little secrets we shared now bigger secrets we do not dare to speak?
why are you all the way over there, instead of where you should be - here with me?
why is she in your bed while im in mine?
i am in pain.
there is an ache that travels through my body much like a meteoroid blazing its way straight to our home.
there is a burning in my throat.
cheers, love. here's to us and the mistakes we made.
we could have had it all.
we could have conquered time travel, the greatest wars, the slowest, most tragic deaths.
but we lost sight of everything, didnt we?
i went to get new prescription glasses for our poor sight.
i discovered that we've strayed not too far from our path.
just a little to the left, and all will be forgiven.
werent you the one who once said there was nothing we couldnt overcome?
was that me?
does it matter anymore?
look here, love. im raising my glass to you.
just a little bit of a stretch and you'll reach me.
im not too far off.
maybe ill get you new glasses too.
you are after all, the one with poorer eyesight.
a lot of me has fallen away from here. bits of my skin, fractions of my feelings, the colour of my hair. some of me has changed so much you wouldnt recognise me unless you knew what's different.
i am naked for you, always naked for you.
i am a desert of skin, spread over days of hollowed out bones.
beneath the layers of everything i am,
i hide the things i do not dare to have eyes gaze upon -
my vulnerability, my fears, my lust for your scent.
for as satisfied as i am with life,
(and believe me, i try and try)
i am a cavern.
the darkness in me perpetuated by your lack of courage
is a hole in my being, a thorn through my soul.
and yet i am satisfied.
(i try and i try)
where then, should i go
when the lights go out and the beasts are hungry
for the one who holds on?
do i stay on my path,
or allow your cowardice, your stubbornness and
your lack of sight
to lead me deeper into the cavities of my mind?
do i stay on my path,
my path back to you?
the luckiest ones in the world.
how lucky you are, to have found someone who knows every mistake you’ve made,
every thing you’ve done to hurt them, and loves you anyway.
how lucky, to have found someone who loves you in spite of the suffering you’ve caused;
who knows the faults you’ve admitted to,
and the blunders you’ve never confessed,
and still fights for you every day.
how lucky, you who do not believe in luck,
to have found the only person who desires you
when you no longer find yourself desirable.
how lucky, how fortunate, how blessed,
to have someone who needs all of you,
because no other imperfect being will ever be as perfect as you are.
to choose between the new and old,
the glutton and the lover.
the one who'd lie to save her pride,
and his shelter, comfort and cover.
and everything is
fine in his land,
while the one he left behind
can barely stand.
shes strong enough
to take the blow,
but he hits her hard
and he hits her slow.
still death is not an option
and she fights with all her might.
love will come back both good and bad,
love will hold us through the night.
.
today i watched a single raindrop fall.
it moved as fast as it moved slow.
it moved as fast as we are moving now.
with purpose, in complete confusion and
without any real determination.
it fell with guilt -
like it knew what youve been up to,
and felt the weight of your decisions.
i wrote you a poem,
wanted to make it into a song.
but the chords didn’t fit,
the notes were all wrong.
heavy heart, there is no air here.
im bound to you
like you are bound to me.
music so deep,
even the deaf hear our melody.
heavy heart, if you can’t bear the weight,
im stronger than i look
i can fit more on my plate.
when the current pulls you under,
don’t you worry your laden head,
ive prepared a place to rest
right on the sea’s bed.
heavy heart, if you need a place to stay,
my heart’s your room to rent,
for the rest of every day.
not a valentines poem.
nothing you could do
could make me love you less.
you are the print on my finger,
the crease in my dress.
of all the things ive wanted in this life,
you were not what i expected.
a sandstorm of pride,
a river of emotion,
the only one i want by my side.
when things get hard,
and we know that they will,
fear not for our safety -
im on the defence,
ill protect us fiercely.
when there is doubt in your heart
and your mind cant cope,
ill remember to care,
ill remember to hold you,
ill remember to be there.
when the storm hits us
and we're washed clean of pain,
ill help us find our footing
so that we may start again.
My Guy.
this has by far, been the most pain ive felt in my life.
you are the sun and moon and every season.
if i had to measure your love in litres,
id drown.
how do i tell you enough how much i
love you?
you are the earth, the trees, every cat i see.
you are my family, my family's family,
my whole heart.
and here i am, a no one,
without you.
"come back", i say.
"i can mend your wounds, i can do whats right,
i will stand by you, hold you through the night."
i promise you i wont let you down.
if you asked me to measure your love in litres,
id gladly drown.
this love is.
the mountains,
they hear the words i speak.
the valleys,
they hide the secrets i keep.
the rivers,
they flow with the love i leak.
this love is deep, this love is deep.
your heart,
it holds the thoughts i share.
your perfect face,
your perfect hair.
the rivers,
they flow with the love i leak.
this love is deep, this love is deep.
the trees will bend
but never fall.
the birds will sing
our song to all.
the rivers will burst
with what i leak.
my love is deep,
it's yours to keep.
er (2012).
id like to feel your skin,
to burrow into your soul.
to wrap your arms around my heart
and swallow you whole.
untitled (2013/2016).
a body too tired to move,
a mouth too tired to speak,
a mind too tired to forgive.
a whirlwind of hardships has plagued me recently.
i struggle to stand firmly rooted -
there is a hurricane trying to rob me of my stability.
in the dark, i am alright.
nightfall lends life to my worries and they bloom
lilies of comfort, daisies of warmth,
and i am me again.
maybe (2013).
maybe im crazy.
maybe the discreet way your fingers play with my skin
makes me a little less than normal.
maybe when you wake me,
with that look on your face;
that irrational fear of living without me...
or was it all something i imagined?
will there come a time
when that look vanishes, the light in your eyes leaves?
will i be left to wonder why all of a sudden,
you'd rather trudge up a mound of uncertainty,
than choose safety with me?
maybe.
maybe you'll leave someday with a look in your eyes
i do not recognise,
a look that tells me you are searching for a future
without me.
a look that holds nothing but regret.
maybe then ill need to start over, and not want to.
so maybe i am crazy,
but id rather be crazy and lost in you,
than never know what it was to feel your warmth at all.
untitled (2013).
my mind?
left to wander the darkest alleys like a trollop on the prowl,
finding nothing to wrap itself around.
it is left on the ground,
in an old puddle of rain and sewer water,
waiting for an unexpected visitor to carry it home.
dead flowers (2013).
wilted flowers,
aged from months, years;
we have destroyed them
havent we?
we've taken something so
beautiful and turned it into
waste.
w a s t e
wasted months, wasted years.
hours spent redefining the cracks
society has discovered over generations
of forfeiting success to conform to
lines set by The Man.
and we, we are the ones
who watched the flowers die,
while complaining that there's no beauty left
in the world.